im drinking this country out of the recession.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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