Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I have so many feelings about this burrito
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
