Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
