While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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