Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
