i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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