1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She announced her abortion via fbk
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
