I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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