can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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