did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
