I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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