Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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