woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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