I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
