Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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