Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
