I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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