No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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