when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just had sex bonerless
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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