There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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