The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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