There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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