I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
