she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
