Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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