i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
