Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
