I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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