You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
