watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
