How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
