She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
