I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
