I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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