The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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