He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
