If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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