I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
