Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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