I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You need Xanax blowdarts
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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