my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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