i wish starbucks made bloody marys
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
