Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
