How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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