I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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