were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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