Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
