You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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