I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
