He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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