GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
