Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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