the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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