I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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