Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
