Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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