she takes plan B like it's going out of style
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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