I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
