Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
