i already hear my dad disowning me
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
