I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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