just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
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