When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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