I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize