i think my tv is drunk
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
