Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
