No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
barbara walters just said penis...
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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